when i was a kid, the adults in church (and my parents of course) used to fill me with wonder with their stories of a place called heaven-- a place without pain or tears, a place with so much fun that the word "bored" couldnt possibly exist in my dictionary, with streets of gold, of abundance, of glorious music, the list goes on. i remembered the first time "heaven" actually meant something to me was when a friend in church passed away when she was 8(i think) and i was 7. the adults didn't tell me that she died but that she went to heaven. i vaguely remember feeling a sense of relief, anything really, but not sadness. perhaps i was young then, and incapable of handling grief, or perhaps it was because i visited her in the hospital before and i saw how badly the sickness had ravaged her. having learnt that she had left for the place our sunday school teachers promised us will be nothing but joy reassured me that she had journeyed into a better and happier place like disneyland or something.
death seemed more bleak than it did at first when i grew older. people that meant to me throughout my growing up years just left --so quickly that i found it unbelievable, almost like a bad joke. true, i still had some sort of comfort, knowing that they are in heaven but i was angry.
angry with God for robbing me of people that cared for me, for making heaven such a faraway place that i cant see, talk or listen to them anymore. for taking away their time on earth so suddenly that i couldnt even get the chance to say goodbye. angry with them, angry with myself for wasting time i could spend interacting with them. to me it was an irony. to be blessed with life, but yet taken away in a flash. so what's the point of giving it anyway?that way we wont desire to have more of it. of course deep down i knew the answer, but perhaps to prideful to face it. it's too humbling to accept that we are nothing but one single creation of God. well, true, we're precious in His eyes, but still way way smaller than what we choose to think ourselves of. it's like God's the artist and we are the stick figures he drew. with a swipe of an eraser he can wipe the life of us out--what say do we have?
i knew i was on earth to learn to be more like jesus, to bless others like ive been blessed, but then this irrational fear started to grip me--what if after fulfulling my purpose on earth, i would be taken away to heaven? not that heaven isnt a good thing, but it just dint seem like a promising option when everything i ever lived for and cared about was on earth(other than God). so why death?
you know, this is kinda like an open question that up till today i cant answer. i guess i never can--we can never find an explanation for one of those inevitable things. why does the kangaroo have a pouch but not the lion? cos it just does! why do humans have two ears, a mouth and a nose? cos that's jus the way it is! on the same note, why death? cos it's just part of life.
i know it's my 19th birthday in less than an hour and it does kinda seem morbid to talk about death now. haha but well, what i am really trying to say is as i grow older, i become more acutely aware of my existence-- and so, obviously, more aware that one day i too will die. each day i get to live is a step closer to my eventual death.
but ive learnt to ask myself another question. "do i love jesus? why?"
why ask about the existence of death if we have accepted the existence of life? ive realised that instead of grumbling about things we have no power to change, look forward to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. death comes , no doubt, but there's more to it, for it means im a step closer to heaven.a step closer to that beautiful place of golden streets, music and laughter(that i alw loved--prague holds such memories for me!), a step closer to all those people i loved and lost, a step closer to being with the one who loves me the most, the one who will do anything to protect me, the one who accepts me and listens when i cry on a bad day or squeal with joy on a good one. perhaps ive come to realise that heaven--the place i want to be, is not just a place but really a person. heaven wont be so important and special to me as it is today if it is a place without people i love. it's like going on a honeymoon. how unforgettable and romantic can a honeymoon trip be if the groom were to say to his bride,"darling, here are the tickets, have a great time in____, i will be back at the airport to pick you up next week." true i dont deny there are still times i fear death, i fear having to leave behind people i never want to make them sad, i fear the pain, i fear separation, i fear darkness(dont ask me why but death is alw associated to darkness for me)--but i've learnt why heaven is still means everything to me.
because jesus does.
death seemed more bleak than it did at first when i grew older. people that meant to me throughout my growing up years just left --so quickly that i found it unbelievable, almost like a bad joke. true, i still had some sort of comfort, knowing that they are in heaven but i was angry.
angry with God for robbing me of people that cared for me, for making heaven such a faraway place that i cant see, talk or listen to them anymore. for taking away their time on earth so suddenly that i couldnt even get the chance to say goodbye. angry with them, angry with myself for wasting time i could spend interacting with them. to me it was an irony. to be blessed with life, but yet taken away in a flash. so what's the point of giving it anyway?that way we wont desire to have more of it. of course deep down i knew the answer, but perhaps to prideful to face it. it's too humbling to accept that we are nothing but one single creation of God. well, true, we're precious in His eyes, but still way way smaller than what we choose to think ourselves of. it's like God's the artist and we are the stick figures he drew. with a swipe of an eraser he can wipe the life of us out--what say do we have?
i knew i was on earth to learn to be more like jesus, to bless others like ive been blessed, but then this irrational fear started to grip me--what if after fulfulling my purpose on earth, i would be taken away to heaven? not that heaven isnt a good thing, but it just dint seem like a promising option when everything i ever lived for and cared about was on earth(other than God). so why death?
you know, this is kinda like an open question that up till today i cant answer. i guess i never can--we can never find an explanation for one of those inevitable things. why does the kangaroo have a pouch but not the lion? cos it just does! why do humans have two ears, a mouth and a nose? cos that's jus the way it is! on the same note, why death? cos it's just part of life.
i know it's my 19th birthday in less than an hour and it does kinda seem morbid to talk about death now. haha but well, what i am really trying to say is as i grow older, i become more acutely aware of my existence-- and so, obviously, more aware that one day i too will die. each day i get to live is a step closer to my eventual death.
but ive learnt to ask myself another question. "do i love jesus? why?"
why ask about the existence of death if we have accepted the existence of life? ive realised that instead of grumbling about things we have no power to change, look forward to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. death comes , no doubt, but there's more to it, for it means im a step closer to heaven.a step closer to that beautiful place of golden streets, music and laughter(that i alw loved--prague holds such memories for me!), a step closer to all those people i loved and lost, a step closer to being with the one who loves me the most, the one who will do anything to protect me, the one who accepts me and listens when i cry on a bad day or squeal with joy on a good one. perhaps ive come to realise that heaven--the place i want to be, is not just a place but really a person. heaven wont be so important and special to me as it is today if it is a place without people i love. it's like going on a honeymoon. how unforgettable and romantic can a honeymoon trip be if the groom were to say to his bride,"darling, here are the tickets, have a great time in____, i will be back at the airport to pick you up next week." true i dont deny there are still times i fear death, i fear having to leave behind people i never want to make them sad, i fear the pain, i fear separation, i fear darkness(dont ask me why but death is alw associated to darkness for me)--but i've learnt why heaven is still means everything to me.
because jesus does.
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