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i find it quite amusing when i catch myself saying, "i'm not myself when i'm with him", im not myself when it's raining", or "im not myself when im stressed", well, you get the point.

the thing is, to respond in a certain manner--that in itself is already me.
to think especially hard to find the words to say when im with a particular person, to feel the need to be liked and needed only when im with a particular someone, to eat especially more than usual when it's raining, to get irritated more easily on days i oversleep--all that and more is a unique response of mine.but yet it amazes me how many times i choose to ignore my idiosyncrasies with a sweeping statement like that, just because it's so hard to accept the real me. in fact if i were to take away all these actions that i claim is not me, perhaps, nothing will be left behind. and if anything at all was left behind,this time,it is really not me or who im supposed to be.

even though i know, somewhere in me, that it is perhaps just my weaknesses that i refuse to accept, and somewhere in me, im angry with myself for condoning such excuses, but right now, maybe im just too much of a coward to admit it. too much in wanting for some kind of justification for the self-pitying.too much in wanting for situations to change to favour me instead of the otherway round, for isnt it true that it's easier to see the sawdusts in other people's eyes and flaws in things, than the plank in our own?

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