i wished i had the words to cheer you up. i wish there was something, anything that i could do to make that resigned, disappointed tone of yours go away. i hate feeling so helpless when listening to you. those moments of silence when i could feel that you wanted to draw some sort of comfort from me that i simply cannot give makes my heart wince.it's not the first time, and perhaps that's what's making it hurt even more--two parties knowing the futility of it all but still carrying on with an act for reasons that elude me. i wish i could say that it hurts and upsets me because you mean the world to me, but i would be lying. for i know what a selfish person i am inside. i am just afraid to lose my heart again. i am afraid to get myself too involved again. i am too lousy a conversationalist to keep your spirits up and talking to you just makes me feel lousier about myself. or maybe, i am just too lazy to care less.
and it's with this same selfishness that i unintentionally hurt you.perhaps what you said was just a sweeping statement, perhaps it wasnt that much of a cause of a disappointment to you as i made it out to be. but still, it struck me. i wanted to convince myself that if i knew what the circumstances were, if i knew how much it meant to you, or how badly you needed someone then, i will put down everything to make it for that special day of yours. i wanted so much to believe that. but i knew whatever my justification was, the fact remained. i hurt someone in my selfish attempt to protect myself, save myself trouble or whatever lame reason it was.
how many loved ones have i conveniently and thoughlessly rejected out of my self-interest thinking? how many have i thought of as less important and urgent from my myopic point of view? how many have i insensitively hurt?
sometimes giving justifications is simply too late to make up for anything.
and it's with this same selfishness that i unintentionally hurt you.perhaps what you said was just a sweeping statement, perhaps it wasnt that much of a cause of a disappointment to you as i made it out to be. but still, it struck me. i wanted to convince myself that if i knew what the circumstances were, if i knew how much it meant to you, or how badly you needed someone then, i will put down everything to make it for that special day of yours. i wanted so much to believe that. but i knew whatever my justification was, the fact remained. i hurt someone in my selfish attempt to protect myself, save myself trouble or whatever lame reason it was.
how many loved ones have i conveniently and thoughlessly rejected out of my self-interest thinking? how many have i thought of as less important and urgent from my myopic point of view? how many have i insensitively hurt?
sometimes giving justifications is simply too late to make up for anything.
Comments