i held a cup of coffee as i strolled down the tree lined avenues along a main street on campus. a chilly breeze rustled my hair, and i drew a deep breath involuntarily. just an hour away from midnight, the work due for tomorrow looms like a formidable mountain.
yet my mind is far from concerned, still reeling from the talk earlier. isaiah 52:13-53:12. the servant song. have you ever experienced the sudden rush of adrenalin when you realised something that never once crossed your mind despite the familiarity of the issue/event/topic? the sudden dread that fills me, knowing that I was one of those, who rejected, despised, disobey him. one of those who drove the nail in, through the constant desire in wanting to be my own God, to lead life the way i want it.
forgetting that when i obey only when i want to, that's not obeying. it's just a parallel of wills. my will, God's will.
and the regret wells up within. a deep sense of failure, ache, knowing that i failed him again. and again and again. something i simply cannot undo. all too often, i fall into this vicious cycle of self pitying that seems like a spiral that leads me towards a bottomless pit. i push the guilt aside, the tears that threaten to overflow and the regret i feel when i realise that all my actions have consequences. why the drama, why the moping?
then i was told this which brought a new perspective i'd never saw-- Grace, is bitter. how true! to accept grace is to acknowledge that you are wrong-- imagine the humiliation! we want no help, or rather, we (knowing that WE screwed up), want to fix it ourselves. even in realising our mistakes, we still want to be behind the steering wheel. we still desire to be our own saviour, our own God, the very essence of what we did wrong in the first place.
but we forget what kind of God we believe in. we forget that he is the one who pays off the essence of sin with himself, the essence of salvation. this is the God we believe in. a God who loves, and desires nothing more than to have his children run to him for protection, comfort and restoration.
i need a pride check now.
yet my mind is far from concerned, still reeling from the talk earlier. isaiah 52:13-53:12. the servant song. have you ever experienced the sudden rush of adrenalin when you realised something that never once crossed your mind despite the familiarity of the issue/event/topic? the sudden dread that fills me, knowing that I was one of those, who rejected, despised, disobey him. one of those who drove the nail in, through the constant desire in wanting to be my own God, to lead life the way i want it.
forgetting that when i obey only when i want to, that's not obeying. it's just a parallel of wills. my will, God's will.
and the regret wells up within. a deep sense of failure, ache, knowing that i failed him again. and again and again. something i simply cannot undo. all too often, i fall into this vicious cycle of self pitying that seems like a spiral that leads me towards a bottomless pit. i push the guilt aside, the tears that threaten to overflow and the regret i feel when i realise that all my actions have consequences. why the drama, why the moping?
then i was told this which brought a new perspective i'd never saw-- Grace, is bitter. how true! to accept grace is to acknowledge that you are wrong-- imagine the humiliation! we want no help, or rather, we (knowing that WE screwed up), want to fix it ourselves. even in realising our mistakes, we still want to be behind the steering wheel. we still desire to be our own saviour, our own God, the very essence of what we did wrong in the first place.
but we forget what kind of God we believe in. we forget that he is the one who pays off the essence of sin with himself, the essence of salvation. this is the God we believe in. a God who loves, and desires nothing more than to have his children run to him for protection, comfort and restoration.
i need a pride check now.
Comments