life's mean reds.

有时候感到特别的孤单，觉得没人了解我的心态，又觉得用字语来添补也似乎缺乏了什么。 但再想想的话，又发觉原来问题不在于他人，而是自己对本人的了解一点也捉摸不了。

"i have often said,"i forgive you," but even as I said these words, my heart remained angry or resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that tells me i was right after all ; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return --if only the praise for being so forgiving. But God's forgiveness is unconditional ; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practise in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy and impractical.It challenges me to step over all my needs for gratitude and compliments. Finally it demands of me that i step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I am asked to forgive. " --Philip Yancey

somewhere along the line, im no longer the same person that i was 7 months ago. i cant put my finger to how it's different; maybe because the change's so great it's hard to tell, or perhaps i always had that in me but i never saw. i wish i could sigh and resign to the fact that it's all part of growing up and old, but when i mess things up, the nagging feeling that the shawna of the past would not have done that overwhelms me. sometimes it's so easy to flow with the music that the lyrics no longer matter. not that you dont care about the latter--it's just that you forget.

how many times have i been blinded by a wall that keep me in the zone ive grown comfortable to stay? it's especially sad to know when there are many right things one can do, but a wrong decision to choose one over the other makes a right wrong at that time. check out this vid: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Kc4PZfyyuh4 Does Anybody Hear Her -casting crowns She is running A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction She is trying But the canyon's ever widening In the depths of her cold heart So she sets out on another misadventure just to find She's another two years older And she's three more steps behind Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today Under the shadow of our steeple With all the lost and lonely people Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? She is yearning For shelter and affection That she never found at home She is searching For a hero to ride in...

put my favourite dessert place and my favourite people together and well, guess i dont have to say more do i? this birthday, one of the few that actually moved me to near tears. partly because being in sydney takes away things i tend to take for granted all the time, but mostly because you all are amazing. and of course, having that reminder that im already the recipient of the greatest gift in the world makes my heart smile even more. thank you. ps. for once, the prehistoric shawna loves technology for what it sent her way yesterday>.

(www.threadless.com) as cliche as it is, the greatest thing that gets people all emotional is love, isnt it?

(from threadless.com) i was going to post pictures of my past crazy week's work and (my very unruly room) but then again, did it really matter what that nightmare was all about? perhaps i had been focusing too much on how i could overcome each nightmare, when in actual fact, each of this was but a self imposed dream that i kept replaying in my head simply because i let myself be me,telling the story the way i want it; though not necessarily the way i could achieve it by my own efforts. the past week, i strove to meet expectations others had of me, and expectations i had for myself. it was as if i were standing on a balancing rope, struggling to stay on that thin line of approval from two opposing camps; any step sideways and someone would get hurt and annoyed when i fall. perhaps ive only come to realise what prideful thinking it had all been.pushing myself to an extent where i dont even know what it feels like to be tired in that state of being near delirious, it only seems like ...

nightmares are only unbearable when they occur all at once. experiencing the temporal high of surviving one nightmare with a foreboding despair of having to face another.