for the first time ever, im starting to have doubts.perhaps i'll be better off without a scholarship, no expectations, no stress to meet them. Knowing that the scholarship was attained purely because of God's grace sometimes scares me. cos it obviously goes to show im not capable enough to deserve what i have today by my own strength and effort. i fear i cant keep up. i cant match up. i can't continue masquerading, pretending im eloquent, imaginative and just plain talented. cos im not and it's starkingly obvious.
don get me wrong, i love what im doing, i think simply learning this stuff can last me a lifetime. it's what i can do with fervor till im 60.i can really feel it in my toes, the passion and love for this that is (: but i guess it's not good enough.
like they say "baby, sometimes love just aint enough."
silly how all these depressing thoughts come in jus after one harmless statement and a public display of my stupidity and ignorance. but i really wish i can measure up.
i desire for approval more than what i dare to admit it after all.