when would i ever be good enough? on many levels i would say.
work wise, i can never overcome that feeling of inadequacy.i really enjoy what im doing, dont get me wrong, but it seems to me that this field that im venturing into is one that i am not able to excel. i have always been an ardent believer of this ideal or cliche whatever you want to call it, to follow my passion and dreams as a key to achieving fulfilment in life. but now im having second thoughts. should i have choosen an area of study where i am more confident of excelling? there's this nagging feeling in me that ive been consciously and subconsciously pushing away--this feeling that maybe, excelling is more important to me. maybe my passion for something had all along came from my ability to do well in it and not, as i have hoped, something that was innately me, something that God placed in me, just waiting to be discovered. perhaps, all along i was the kind of person that i have been trying to avoid turning into. someone who isnt as idealistic as i romanticised myself to be, but in actual fact, a practicalist, a down to earth that i've been accusing my mum of being too much of. i wish the shadow over me werent that huge.
relationship wise, there's really nothing more i can say. you know how that song goes,"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." hah, why do i always have this feeling that this song is mocking me. too many one sided affections, slap in the faces, bubbles of hope burst,hearts breaking..that even a fool (okay me) should get the idea. and yet, im still always there for him, for what, i have no idea. many times, it tires me to be always giving. it tires me to listen when i know all i get at the end of the day is hurt and burdens that i have to bear myself. it tires me to listen about his love stories when i yearn for one of my own. and that feeling of lousiness, as if i will never match up is something that's always there, like a thorn pricking my heart. not agonising but suffocating pain. but yet, im still always there. when he's in trouble, when he needs someone, i will put down everything to be there for him. it's like im always the one waiting, the spare tyre, the kind of girl that my mum calls stupid and cheap in shows cos she will do anything for the guy whom doesnt even think that she exist in his life.
it's like im never good enough.
work wise, i can never overcome that feeling of inadequacy.i really enjoy what im doing, dont get me wrong, but it seems to me that this field that im venturing into is one that i am not able to excel. i have always been an ardent believer of this ideal or cliche whatever you want to call it, to follow my passion and dreams as a key to achieving fulfilment in life. but now im having second thoughts. should i have choosen an area of study where i am more confident of excelling? there's this nagging feeling in me that ive been consciously and subconsciously pushing away--this feeling that maybe, excelling is more important to me. maybe my passion for something had all along came from my ability to do well in it and not, as i have hoped, something that was innately me, something that God placed in me, just waiting to be discovered. perhaps, all along i was the kind of person that i have been trying to avoid turning into. someone who isnt as idealistic as i romanticised myself to be, but in actual fact, a practicalist, a down to earth that i've been accusing my mum of being too much of. i wish the shadow over me werent that huge.
relationship wise, there's really nothing more i can say. you know how that song goes,"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." hah, why do i always have this feeling that this song is mocking me. too many one sided affections, slap in the faces, bubbles of hope burst,hearts breaking..that even a fool (okay me) should get the idea. and yet, im still always there for him, for what, i have no idea. many times, it tires me to be always giving. it tires me to listen when i know all i get at the end of the day is hurt and burdens that i have to bear myself. it tires me to listen about his love stories when i yearn for one of my own. and that feeling of lousiness, as if i will never match up is something that's always there, like a thorn pricking my heart. not agonising but suffocating pain. but yet, im still always there. when he's in trouble, when he needs someone, i will put down everything to be there for him. it's like im always the one waiting, the spare tyre, the kind of girl that my mum calls stupid and cheap in shows cos she will do anything for the guy whom doesnt even think that she exist in his life.
it's like im never good enough.
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