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im no sadist but there are times i have to admit that i understand how people find pleasure in pain. be it exfoliating facial washes (ha) that i am strangely drawn to, or the dull ache in my legs after what might thus seem like a fruitful exercise, pain,or any sense of physical discomfort, has subconsciously become my measure for fulfilling a particular task. it is as though that sensation added that extra dimension to shift something from the imagined realm to the reality. my face isnt really clean unless i allowed those sea salt beads sandpaper my pimples away(or so i was convinced to believe) and i hadnt really exercised unless my feet can move no longer.

then i realised, on the bus home one day, that such reasoning, however irrational, was not merely confined to the more frivolous aspects in my life.

perhaps, because of this, i find myself unwittingly convincing myself that if unless my heart hurt, i haven't truely loved anyone enough. it's almost silly, bordering even on cliched-ness, love shouldnt ever be measured by hurt.

but from another perspective, pain is a symptom of love, for if you hadnt taken your heart out and given it to someone else, then it couldnt possibly get lost or manipulated in the first place.

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Mr perfect/miss imperfect

Instead of waiting for the perfect one, work at being the perfect one instead. These words roll off the tongue with ease like a familiar jingle. Yet the former holds an appeal tt the latter can never achieve.could it be, that at the end of the day, we are, in fact, more aware of reality than we realise? The former, perhaps, more achievable than the latter?
i speak before i think, but really what that reveals is the person i am inside. the thoughts and desires are all too apparent. i want recognition, i want people to look at me w envy at my skill and what I have, I want things that I know are wrong to want but i still want them. but the heart cant hide forever. it comes out at the most unopportune time and i end up hurting the ones i love the most. oh wait, maybe not, cos i really love myself the most, which.. really means i hurt those i cant love as much as i love me. :(

one reason why i love my pastor.

says my pastor on proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." "so guys, before you decide to go out with a girl, take a look at her grandmother first." of which my friend promptly said to me, "shawna,we have hope now!" :)